Dressing well shouldn’t be that arduously painstaking of a task. Neither should avoiding dressy douchy. Apparently, the latter can often seem even more challenging than the former. Some of us have a foot planted so firmly in douche-ville, that we just can’t help but avoid looking like a senior citizen. In fact, the population of douche-ville has been growing at an exponentially alarming rate. And while it may often be downright infuriating, it can often serve to humor us. With that said, here is our top 10 ways to dress douchy. Now that’s a list not even an A-lister would want to miss.
1. Wearing unnecessarily tight shirts or t-shirts
Yes, we all have that one friend who just started benching 135, has a beer gut and loosely defined biceps. Yet, he continues to convince himself of greek-god status every time he stares at the impartial slab of glass attached to his wall – the mirror. It’s amazing how something so deeply entrenched in the laws of physics- a mirror – can often throw back such incredibly distorted images of ourselves. Whether you are wearing an unnecessarily tight t-shirt to a club, date night or out with friends, you are firmly in douche-ville. In fact, you are even more so if you are ripped. Let the aesthetic speak for itself. It’s like a rich guy carrying around a fat wallet and flashing his rolex everywhere he goes. Gross.
2. The popped collar
Yes, we try so hard. So hard at looking effortlessly cool. Oh the irony. Sweet sweet paradoxes of the male psyche. Give it up. The popped collar look became the sign of cool in the 80’s – popularized by famous jerks bragging about their cars or bullying smaller stature kids to a pulp. Your favorite athletes may pop their collars, and they may have a license to (dubious and a big ‘if’). But popping your collar, or wearing two layers with your collars popped, is just downright heinous and douchy. It doesn’t suddenly make you cooler than the crowd, even though you’d like to think it does.
3. Wearing sunglasses at night
Really? The strobe lights causing too much discomfort? Or is it the strobe light reflecting off your douchy watch? With what is presumably a leather jacket, your sunglasses at night just make you look like a total jackass. You may think otherwise, but unless you’re Ralph Macchio in The Karate Kid trying to hide altercation scars from his mom, avoid the shades. And at least he had the decency to do it during the day – even if it was worn indoors.
Bonus points if your night shades are aviators. It may be more of a style statement, but it’s like doubling down at the douche-bag table.
4. Wearing a wife beater out in public
We know you’re better than that. Keep the sight of your bulging arms inside the gym. Yes, you may be buffed. Or maybe not. Either way, the last thing we need is an impression of Jason Kidd on an off night.
5.Excessive Tanning, All The Time
Yes, we get it’s the ‘T’ in Jersey’s notorious ‘GTL’ line, but come on now. We get that you like to pump your fists, not your gas, and that you relentlessly pound vodka red bulls while strutting it to Pitbull himself, but this is a little too much. A tan from a beach vacation is one thing. Going to a tanning bed to maintain your ‘glow’ year round. Take a raincheck on that one buddy.
6. Excessive Accessorizing
Try saying that really fast over and over again. Yes, we sell men’s accessories. And yes, they can accentuate your ensemble. But over accessorizing kills the look. It’s like adding Smarties, M&M’s and Ferrero Rochers to a cake infused with bacon chocolate. That’s just gross. So ditch the five bracelets, watch, tie, pocket square, tie clip, lapel flower and collar pin look. We get it, you like the details. Just spare us some of that agony. Please.
If you are looking to over-accessorize like a douche, please click here.
7. Being a one upper
Yes, it doesn’t just have to be about style. Acting like a douche bag will get you there faster than any style faux pas will. Be the guy who apparently outdoes his friends at every turn, and you’ll soon alienate more people than Napoleon Dynamite at the Prom. Wait, he was actually pretty good. But you get my point. I bench 250 ( I really don’t). You bench 275. I once scored 30. You’ve scored 50. In fact, there is no reason to believe you shouldn’t be the defending gold medalist at every Olympics decathlon. We get it. Just keep your ‘accomplishments’ to yourself.
8. Pour on the cologne like you just went Gucci water rafting.
Yes, a few sprays will elicit compliments and maybe a bit of confidence for yourself. But drowning in it like it’s a damn plunge pool at the Hawaiin Hilton Resort is something else altogether. Especially if its become a substitute for a shower. Hygiene, some cologne and being well groomed is the way to go. Toss out the cologne baths, as cool as you may think they are.
9. The Deep V-Neck
Ah yes, in addition to the tight shirt, this faux pas is a definite no-no. Whether you are looking to flaunt your magic carpet or your fully waxed chest, the low v-neck is a fail of epic proportions. We are not in Rome. You are not gladiator. Exposing less skin is preferable. Thank you.
10. Inverted Visors
And that's a wrap. I hope that you've enjoyed reading this as much as I did writing it!